No Way Home
by Joshabi
Summary: A tie in with 'So You've Been Magically Transported to Equestria' with no one plot line. Will go between events and times as I feel like it, and may adapt according to SYBMTTE.
1. We Have Standards!

No Way Home  
We Have Standards!

A tie-on to 'So you've Been Magically Transported to Equestria', which is written by 'way of the pen'. For the fluff, go there.  
'Malachi' is way of the pens characters name (The person who's supposed to be writing SYBMTTE), while Ezlo is the name my character took. He regrets it now, but THAT Noodle Incident can wait. Moving on...  
Anything spoken that's in bold is Unicorn, italics is Pegasus, between two equals signs is human. Normal text is Earth Pony.

* * *

"Sergeant? Sergeant! Wake up! Sergeant Malachi!"  
Malachi was roused from his slumber by a white unicorn guard. The guard pulled his human colleague out of his bed with magic, leaning him against the wall.  
"Malachi!"

Malachi, eyes heavy with sleep, pushed his hair back from his eyes to look at his tormentor.  
"Captain! I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise I'd overslept," He barked, standing straighter and saluting, "I'll get ready straight away!"

"At ease Mal, I'm not getting you up because you're late for duty-"

"You're not? So... Can I..."

"No. You have an audience with Celestia scheduled for in half-an-hour."

"What? Since when!"

"About an hour ago. You're to escort Ezlo while you're at it, he's supposed to be there too."

Malachi sighed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.  
"It's still morning Captain, and I've hardly had any sleep. How do you expect me to get to Ponyville in a half hour?"

"Technically it'd be a quarter of an hour, you know, since you'd have to get there and back," Shouted someone from next door, "But by all means, make an unnecessary journey. I brought a book."

Shining Armour chuckled. "Straight from the furries mouth."

* * *

Elzo moved as though he was skipping in slow motion. It was an odd way to walk, especially since he could walk like a normal human, but magic does strange things to people.  
Like, you know, mutate them into half-human half-pony creatures with bright green fur all over their body. And give them a purple mane and tail.  
While Malachi clanked along in slightly more fancy night guard armour, Ezlo was wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. The clank of armour and the clink of hooves managed to stay in time, even if the pair were an odd contrast.

Perhaps it was no surprise, then, that Ezlo kept running off to look at different statues and murals around the castle, forcing Malachi to keep dragging him back on course.

"Focus! Please, for five minutes, just focus!"

"Yeah yeah, get to council on time, blah blah blah. We have a minute and we're at the doors, just let me-"

"No!"

"But we got here on time!"

Malachi facepalmed in exasperation, "You know what Celestia means whenever she says half an hour."

"I would hope, half an hour. Caster-el-caster." Ezlo replied carefully, straightening out his clothes, "She should know I only take things at face value." The anthro smiled suddenly. "Well, count to three."

Malachi frowned at Ezlo, who held up his hand counting down. As he put down his third finger, Celestia's voice echoed through the grand doors in front of them, which began to open.  
"Enter, those who have been called for council!"  
Ezlo just smirked.

At the end of the long corridor, Princesses Celestia and Luna sat on large cushions in the place of their thrones. As Malachi and Ezlo walked along the plush carpet, the doors swung shut behind them, aided by two guards. The four named characters gave the appropriate signs of respect, leaving Celestia free to talk.  
"The reason both of you are here, now, is rather grave. You both remember your entries into Equestria?"

"Vividly." Malachi nodded. Ezlo shuddered and reached around to touch his shoulder blades.

"Far too vividly."

Celestia sighed. "Well, it is with regret that I must inform the pair of you that we believe that another human has ended up in Equestria. It is believed that they manifested in the Everfree Forest."

Luna and Malachi, to give them credit, bowed their heads sadly. Celestia turned to Ezlo, who proceeded to both roll his eyes and shake his head.  
"What, again?"

"Ezlo!"  
Luna gasped in shock, filling in that cue. Ezlo sighed and muttered under his breath.

"Pardon?"

"**Well it's not like they're going to do something completely stupid. Leave it a day or two and the commotion in town will tell us where they are." **Ezlo suggested. Malachi elbowed him in the shoulder.

"A language we all speak, please?"

"If you won't learn unicorn, I won't tell you." Ezlo sniffed.

"=Arrogant jerk.="

"=Sword-waving fool.="

"=Trigger-happy maniac.="

"=Brainless brute.="

"=Fur fag.="

"=Hmm... Enjoy your 'massage' with Luna?="

"=You-? Fine, Hatman, have it your way!="

"=Hatm-="

"You two, please!"  
Celestia sighed as Luna stood up in front of the arguing pair.  
"You can stop slinging insults at each other for long enough to help another living creature, can't you?"  
Ezlo and Malachi traded glares for a few seconds, making Luna growl quietly.  
"I said, CAN'T YOU?"

Shielding his ears from any more RCV, Ezlo nodded and backed out of the room quickly. Malachi sighed and began to walk out after him.  
"We promise to get on Princesses. We'll report back as fast as possible."

"Hopefully with a live body on our hands." Ezlo added as he reached the door. Malachi poked him with the tip of his sword as he came into reach, "I'm going, I'm going!"

Celestia smiled as the door slammed shut after them. "I feel so warm inside when I see two human friends as close as that."

"Indeed, sister," Luna noted, swaying suddenly as she dropped her facade, "And as friends, I shall now go back to sleep now."  
WHUMP!

"L-l-luna! Not on me!"


	2. Not As Advertised

No Way Home  
Not as Advertised

This chapter is kind of stereotypical, but it's all just for fun.  
I think a lot of people would try to get a job with something the Mane Six do. So Rarity having an apprentice seems to make sense, and one old trick with apprentices was... Eh, you'll find out. Only difference is that here it's of use, and it was genuinely by accident.  
I think...

* * *

"THIS IS TERRIBLE!"

Rarity pulled her chaise lounge over, swooning dramatically. Her shout awoke a human girl in the next room, who quickly pushed her head up from the table she was leaning on. Her hands grabbed the carefully sown cloth in front of her, scanning the stitches for any variation. At the end of the line a small ruby, which had been slightly sloppily sown on, was beginning to fall out. The girl gasped in horror.  
"=Oh no!="

"Oh what am I to do! This is ruining!"

"Don't worry Rarity, I can deal with it! I promise!"

"No, it's impossible, I'm DOOMED!"

"It's only one gem Rarity, I can fix it!"

"What?" Rarity looked over at her helper, who was quickly but carefully unstitching the thread holding the gem in place. "Oh no, that's not the problem darling."

"It's not?" The girl, Solstice, carefully put down the cloth and frowned, "Then what is?"

"My mother's sewing kit! I've lost it!" Rarity rested her head on the end of her fancy chair and began crying quietly. "It was so precious to her..."

"Oh that?" Solstice waved one hand, "You gave it to Fluttershy so she could fix her blanket yesterday afternoon. The one with her cutie mark on it."

"Oh." Rarity stopped crying abruptly and stood up, moving the chaise lounge to the side of the room. "Well would you be a darling and go to get it for me, I need to watch the shop and I'm sure you can get it in time."

"But don't you want me to do this?" Solstice asked, holding up the sheet of purple fabric she had been sowing.

"Oh that can be done easily. But do try to take less than an hour, they'll be over by five."

"Yes Rarity!"

* * *

"=An hour gives me time to relax. Walk to Fluttershy's in twenty-five minutes, pick up some apples from the stall – Pink Lady, otherwise Rarity will never forgive me – and be back with time to spare!=" Solstice zipped up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder. "=What could be simpler?="

The pegasi certainly seemed to agree. The sky was a beautiful blue, with a few clouds dotted over the giant canopy just enough to keep the heat down. A few foals played about in the mid-afternoon sunlight, various parents resting on the benches. A few other groups – including one with Twilight Sparkle and Ezlo – were chatting and mucking around. Solstice sighed happily as she began the walk to Fluttershy's cottage.  
Most of the buildings were far closer to the town centre than Fluttershy's. Even the handful of hastily erected shelters for new arrivals (of the human kind) had been made near the busy main streets. Fluttershy, being Fluttershy, had opted for a small house on the edge of the Whitetail Woods, which kept her away from loud scary ponies on Nightmare Night, and closer to the animal population all of the time. A human at a slow jog could go from one side of town to the other in about forty minutes. Including Fluttershy's, about fifty.  
Solstice slowed down the closer she got to the cottage, navigating the sea of sleeping animals with relative ease. She quietly knocked on the door, trying not to disturb any of them.

"Fluttershy? Are you in?"

"I'm, um, just coming..."  
The yellow Pegasus carefully opened the door, balancing five different bowls of food on her wings and head.  
"Oh, hello Solstice. Um, you can come in if you want, only, I was just feeding all the animals."

"Um, thank you Fluttershy."  
Ducking under the door and stealthily navigating yet another sea of animals and ceiling-hung homes, Solstice sat down on the floor near to Fluttershy.  
"I was only popping around quickly to pick up something for Rarity, and I only have an hour."

"Oh no, that's fine, I'm a bit busy today anyway. What was it you wanted?"

"It was Rarity's mum's old sewing kit, I think. She gave it to you yesterday didn't she?"

"Oh, that! I'll find that quickly, hang on..." Fluttershy disappeared for a few seconds upstairs, before coming back down with a tattered tin. She opened the lid, shooing out the few small mice that had hidden in there, before hand the box to Solstice, "This is it. I think. You are OK to take it now, aren't you?"

"Yes, now will be fine. Thank you Fluttershy, I had best head off straight away."

"Oh no, that's OK. I think some bits got leant out to people though." Fluttershy added as an afterthought.

"Huh? Leant out?"  
Solstice turned around to Fluttershy, who was nodding.

"I think I leant the box of buttons to Derpy Hooves and Twilight needed some fabric to patch up her own blanket, so I leant her the bits that Rarity had in the box to see if they were the right colour."

"OK, I think I can manage. Where does Derpy live again?"

"Along Peachy Avenue I think. And you know where the Library is, so..."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks Fluttershy."  
Solstice got to the edge of Fluttershy's garden, muttering under Derpy's street under her breath. At the gate, Solstice stopped suddenly.  
"=Wait a minute, that's on the other side of town!="

* * *

"Twilight!"  
Solstice, gasping, walked up to a small group of people who were sitting down, watching Twilight fling spells at Ezlo. Twilight stopped to look at the gasping errand girl.

"Hello Solstice! What are you doing about now?"

"Just... One... =Catch breath...="  
Slumping down on the ground, Solstice saw a group of Pegasi moving clouds into a tighter cluster. Twilight trotted over, looking at Solstice with concern.  
"=Sewing kit... Rarity... Cloth...="

"What're you saying?"

Ezlo walked over, laughing slightly at the exhausted girl on the floor. "Something about Rarity's sewing kit and some cloth. Just in English."

"Rarity's cloth... That must have been the fabric Fluttershy gave me! I'll go get it for you, shall I?"

"Please..."

For a few minutes, Solstice lay on the grass, panting hard. Ezlo eventually moved her into a sitting position, propping her against the side of the Library. Another human in the group clenched his fist, muttering under his breath. A few beads of water began to appear in the air, but nothing near enough to make a decent drink. Ezlo still clapped, but poured out a drink of lemonade for Solstice rather than try himself.  
"Why are you in a such a rush?"

Solstice gulped down the glass in a few seconds, gasping again.  
"Rarity said... To get her mother's sewing kit... From Fluttershy by five. Except Fluttershy has ALREADY given the box of buttons to Derpy and the fabric to Twilight. So I've just ran full pelt Fluttershy's to here-"

"INCOMING REHYDRATION AND FABRIC!"  
Ezlo jumped back as a ball of water came splashing down on Solstice's head. He reached up and grabbed the box of fabric for her from Twilight.  
"Here you are!"

Solstice glared malevolently up at the grinning purple unicorn. Ezlo carefully handed her the box back, motioning for Twilight to head back inside.  
"How about you go and get those buttons and we'll go speak to Rarity about that hitch, hm?"

"Yes... Please do..."

* * *

Derpy had to wait a few minutes before Solstice remembered that she needed to start speaking in pony to be understood. Sitting on the floor of her front room, looking at the hands of the clock, she realised that if she made it in time it would be a miracle, and she would be half dead, while if she was late she'd probably get fired. At a near sprint, she had about four minutes left to get back to the Boutique from the edge of the town centre. Just possible.

"Good luck!"  
Derpy came down the stairs, somehow holding the tin in her teeth. Solstice carefully retrieved it from the Pegasus.  
"Oh, there's a slight problem with the lid by the way."  
Noting that one side wasn't on properly, Solstice pushed down on it. The side went down... But the other side popped up just as fast.  
"There's supposed to be a bit of string that you can use to hold the lid in place, but-"

"Mummy, look! I made you a present!"

Derpy turned to her daughter, who held up a small cloth pony with two button eyes and yellow ribbon for a mane and tail. Solstice sighed.  
"Well, that's that. I'll try not to drop anything then."

Derpy and Dinky waved as Solstice walked out the door, tin in hand. One large drop of water hit her square on the head. Followed by another. And several more, as the afternoons scheduled cloudburst began, right on time.  
"=I knew I forgot to check the forecast.="

Soaking wet and exhausted, Solstice finally burst through the door to Carousel Boutique. Her lower half was splattered with mud, her hair completely covered the left side of her face, hanging down limply, and her light clothes, designed for much more summery weather, clung to her tightly.* Rarity turned from putting the finishing touches on a beautiful wedding dress to her, gasping out.  
"Oh you poor dear! I'm so sorry, I completely forgot!"

"I'm fine for the weather. The weather isn't the issue." Solstice managed to gasp. Rarity shook her head quickly.

"No! Worse! I got the dates wrong, they're coming NEXT Tuesday, not today."

Solstice gave Rarity a blank look, carefully putting down the box and bag she was carrying. She spent a few minutes wringing out her clothes and drying off, before walking over to the side of the room, where a chaise lounge was placed against the wall.  
"This is the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!"

* * *

*You're disgusting.


	3. Two Sides to Every Story: Pt 1

No Way Home  
Two Sides to Every Story Pt1

I like to think there are clear rankings and orders among the guard and Equestrian military. Here, the order of numbers is: Section of the military (Dayguard is one, Nightguard is two, ect.), Subsection (I dunno, it just makes sense in my head.), Squad number, and number of the individual squad member. Because someone's gonna ask.  
Oh, the reason Malachi and Ezlo are supposed to be dealing with something this powerful? Celestia pinned some of the blame on them too. If they are... Weeellllll...

* * *

"She's been sighted on the edge of the Everfree. No drones, just her and her snakes."

Malachi stepped off the chariot and helped the members of his squad unhook themselves from the front. The others stepped into basic formation for a full briefing. Twilight held a few scrolls in her magical grasp.

"You're sure?" Malachi asked, unhooking the last one.

Twilight nodded. "One hundred percent."

Twilight turned to Ezlo, who noticed and shook his head. "I'll save the smarmy comment for later. You got tactics worked out?"

"We have several strategies should they be needed." Malachi confirmed.

"Is one of them running?"  
Ezlo stepped back to avoid being kicked in the shins.  
"It's a valid tactic!"

Malachi took the bundle of papers from Twilight, who stepped back. Malachi turned around to see the rest of his squad in formation.  
"Alright, you should all know who's here, so I'll be quick about this. You're to position yourselves around the Everfree edge of Ponyville and stay on watch. If you're sighted, try to draw her back into the Everfree and lose her there."

"Ah, right! I have another present from the border guards."  
Malachi turned to see Ezlo and Twilight holding up a bunch of necklaces, all identical. Ezlo held out one to Malachi as Twilight began passing the rest out among the guards.  
"Standard issue squad link, but rather than thoughts it's your dying seconds. Spells don't pass through the link."

"We think." Twilight added. Ezlo lightly kicked her side. "We couldn't pass any through when we manually triggered the spells anyway. They only work once, by the way."

"Alright. Anyone got any more questions?" Malachi asked his squad. There weren't.  
"OK then, you'll be positioned along these areas, which, along with the rest of town, have been evacuated. Whiteshield, you'll go here..."

* * *

"Two-Five-Six-Five reporting clear."

"Unit Four-Five-Six confirmed all present and in position lieutenant."

"Good. I understand that you have additional orders from Celestia."

"Yes lieutenant."

"Then fulfil them I'll take command of your squad for the time being."

"Understood." Malachi stood up from the hastily set up battle-board, grabbing one of the necklaces around his neck again. "You heard her. Unit Four-Five-Six are taking direct orders from the lieutenant."

A chorus of 'Yessir!'s barked through the gem as Malachi stepped outside. He quickly entered the cover of a group of undisturbed market stalls and began to move cautiously through the streets towards Ezlo's house.

Unlike most of the straw-thatched cottages of Ponyville, Ezlo's house was mostly stone, and had a much larger basement than its size would suggest.. The corridor to get down was narrow, and had overly steep steps, with a flimsy handrail that you could just get your fingers in if you went slowly.  
All the better to keep ponies out then.  
Luckily, Ezlo tended to use the lower levels for big, dangerous things that he didn't want to hurt other people with. The upstairs was mainly where he lived, with an arrangement similar to the library. Only shorter and without the balcony.

Malachi quickly made his way across the last few meters to the door, which opened as he got closer. Ezlo pushed the door firmly shut behind his friend and bolted it.  
"She's not here yet then?"

Malachi shook his head, picking a short sword from a rack set against the wall, and held it up. "Why do you have these?"

"For moments like right now."Ezlo walked over and picked up a sabre, checking it was still sharp. "Are you sure you want me to try this?"

"We have to try, even if we don't kill her. It's a risky game if one of us isn't trying."

The pair were interrupted by someone speaking through one of the amulets.  
"I can see her. Heading is west along Castle Lane."

Another voice came through a few seconds later.  
"That's straight at you Ezlo, looks like she knows where she's going."

"Can you be slightly less PESSEMISTIC? This is my house!" Ezlo yelled suddenly. He quickly clamped his hands over his mouth.

"Don't worry Ez, she's still a while away." Malachi reassured him, patting him on the shoulder. They both sat down, Ezlo on an anvil, Malachi on a barrel with a bunch of rags on top. Ezlo began tapping the side nervously.

"I hope you're-"

"SHIT SHE-"  
Ezlo leapt up in the air as someone shouted through the magical link. Malachi was still for a few seconds, and caught the tail end of a taunt from their enemy.

"=-sier than I thought.="  
Ezlo had stood up again. Malachi grabbed the gem and stared at it.  
"=Oh? Another one? Except this one's got no colour... Such a pity... I could make a collection. It goes with their new shade of fur.="

"=You'll only be able to stand so many attacks Medusa.="  
Ezlo spoke loudly, but calmly, in contrast to the wreck that he seemed to be close to. A chuckle rang through the room.

"=Well well, one of you is here. Not got your meatshield today Ezlo?="

"=I am not a meatshield.=" Malachi replied calmly.

"=Of course not Malachi. You're only scared of losing your name to magic, aren't you?="  
Malachi was silent for a while.  
"=Oh? Did I strike a bad chord? Perhaps I should be kinder – you're just too stupid to do magic, is that it?="

"=If magic came down to brains you'd have less than Snips or Snails.=" Ezlo retorted. "=Drop the Gaze of Stone and maybe we won't get the guards to shoot you.="

"=You make a strangely tempting offer Ezlo. Maybe that incident was a bad fluke for you after all.="

"=Oh, so you want to face a BadMag grenade, do you? See what happens?="

On instinct, Malachi looked out the window, spotting a large shape moving through the late night haze. Ezlo tossed him a bracelet, miming putting it on. Malachi stood up, slipping the unusual jewellery onto his wrist and drawing his sword at the same time.  
"=Well Medusa, I hope you like to kick it Pinkie-Pie Style.="

"=What? Why?="

Malachi walked up to the door, grabbing the handle. Ezlo, who was definitely high on adrenaline, grinned and gave him a thumbs up. He forced the door open, standing in a ready pose against the creature in front of him.  
"=Because it's PARTY TIME!="


	4. Two Sides to Every Story: Pt 2

No Way Home  
Two Sides to Every Story Pt 2

Hehe, Ezlo has a thing for scalies. What with Medusa being evil, it'd be the most dysfunctional relationship I can think of. Well, except maybe MalXLuna. But they aren't 'canon'.  
Honest.

* * *

Medusa was a terrifying sight. She'd been named Medusa for her Gaze of Stone, but somehow the magic of the Everfree had turned her lower half into the body of a snake and her hair had mutated into many heads of snakes, which kind of helped the nickname along. As Ezlo had once pointed out, if you could get past the flesh-to-stone gaze and the whole thing with the snakes, she was actually quite pretty.  
'If' being the main word there.  
Luckily for Malachi, whatever Ezlo had done seemed to have made him immune to the gaze, and he sidestepped a ball of energy that had been tossed at him. It hit the back of Ezlo's main room, blowing the door closed and more than denting the wall and floor. Malachi ran up closer, sidestepping another ball only to be swiped at by a badly held sword. Medusa's upper half was, thankfully, covered by a t-shirt, but her torso was covered in unnaturally strong scales, which Malachi's sword hit hard, only to cause a cut that was barely worth the effort. A weak stream of magic rushed past his head as he ducked and swiped again, cutting a much larger gash along Medusa's stomach, making her reel back from him. He was rewarded for his efforts with another ball of magic, thankfully much weaker than the first one, but strong enough to send him flying to the ground. Medusa attempted to plunge her sword through Malachi's chest, but he rolled away as fast as he fell down, which left Medusa's sword buried in the soft earth. As she struggled to pull it out, Malachi retreated to a safe distance.

"=What's the matter Medusa? Are you finding the physical pursuits too taxing for you?="

"=Oh... Be... QUIET!="  
Medusa pulled her sword out of the ground, moving backwards as it finally gave way. The wound across her stomach had already healed, and she smirked.  
"=No matter how much you taunt me, today I shall win! After all, where is your precious mage now?="

"=Right behind you!="  
Medusa turned around, managing to dodge the ball of energy Ezlo had threw at her. Ezlo laughed.  
"=Damn you and your perfect accidental cues! At this rate I'll never hit you on my own!="  
Medusa hissed, her snakes rearing up at the sight of the anthro. Said anthro stepped back and gulped.  
"=Damn my big mouth!="

"=And I say damn YOU you little rat!=" Medusa screamed, spinning around and lunging at Ezlo with her sword, bringing her tail around to smash Malachi in the side. Malachi was forced sideways, ending up on his knees and clutching his side. Ezlo brought the flat of his blade up to intercept the sword and stepped with the swing, sending Medusa off balance from the sheer force behind it. Ezlo used the distraction to send another ball of energy at Medusa, this time colliding with her side and leaving a wide burn, making her scream.  
"=EZLO!="

"=Maybe you'll learn to avoid town next time!=" Ezlo moved quickly back, all humour gone. Malachi stood up in time to see Medusa cover the burn with a barrier and lunge again at Ezlo. Ezlo began sprinting towards the now abandoned market, dodging past the sword again. Medusa screamed in anger as the sword hit the ground again, leaving it buried to chase after Ezlo. Acting quickly, Malachi grabbed the gem around his neck.

"She's heading to the market! Crossbows to cover! Watch for Ezlo!"

"Gotcha!"  
Malachi picked up his sword from where he had dropped it, and began limping towards the market after the two once-humans.

* * *

"=Stand still and FIGHT ME EZLO!="

"=No! You always cheat!="

"=Then I guess you just need to FIGHT DIRTY!="  
Ezlo stopped running to move out of Medusa's path, barely avoiding another hurled piece of energy. Despite her size, she had kept pace with him, and he began to run again, desperately trying to outrun her before he reached the market. Medusa, gaining as Ezlo picked up speed again, swiped at her nemesis with vicious claws, scoring a nasty hit down his right shoulder. With a yell, Ezlo dropped onto the floor, rolling for a few seconds as his momentum kept him going. Feeling triumphant, Medusa gabbed Ezlo and pulled him up into the air. She looked at the wound she'd inflicted, watching-  
The claw marks showed on his back, but that was all. The flesh around the area was turning grey, not green as it should have been, and there was no blood. Wrenching a bracelet off of his wrist, she gave him a full powered Gaze of Stone, snakes hissing and fangs bared. The not-Ezlo smiled.

"=From dust I came, and to dust I shall return.="  
Striking at the chest in desperation, Medusa tore a hole in it and pulled out what should have been the heart. She was instead rewarded by a gem, which was a disgusting shade of green.

"=Shit.="

The BadMag grenade that had been planted in the chest of the homunculus exploded.

Malachi saw the telltale explosion of the grenade – a dark green flash – and began sprinting. Luckily for the market, the fake Ezlo had taken most of the force, along with Medusa, and shards of the copy lay scattered about the market place. Medusa, somehow still conscious, teleported away as Malachi reached where the pair had been fighting.  
"=Fuck! How does she do that? Ezlo! Are you OK?="

No reply.

Malachi began searching around the market. Shards of stone lay trapped in the cloth of stalls, sometimes with a piece of the BadMag grenade. Malachi experimentally picked up one of the shards.  
"=I though these things were illegal...="  
One of the lower ranking guards ran over, holding a torch in his magic. Out of the corner of his eye, Malachi saw a glimmer of metal. A badly bent sabre, and, somehow, a locket. From Malachi's own necklace, there came a shout.

"Malachi! Get over to base, something's happened to Miss Sparkle!"

"I doubt it's a bad as what happened to Ezlo..." Malachi muttered as he began limping over to the makeshift command centre.

* * *

It was pretty bad.  
Although she hadn't been blown up, Twilight had become a bad model, frozen in an inquisitive state over the board. Her legs were now made of clay, her torso was a lose wooden skeleton draped in purple cloth, and her tail and mane were made of purple string.

"OK, that's pretty bad." Malachi admitted. The lieutenant shook her head.

"This is ridiculous. Two of the most well-known magic users in the country both dead in the same night. I've never seen a spell that can do that."

Malachi nodded, pulling out the locket he'd recovered from the rubble and setting it on the table. The lieutenant noticed and nodded at it.  
"There anything inside? A picture of his family maybe?"

Malachi shrugged. "Haven't looked yet. Can't say I've seen this locket before though," He noted, trying to push open the clasp, "So why he'd only wear it now and not-"

*Click!*  
"Uh, OK, this is A for Audio, log 1. Recorded on... What's the date again?  
Another voice came through. "15th May."**  
**"Recorded on the 15th of May in the year of Celestia 1576. This is Ezlo speaking..."

* * *

Transcript of Lockets Message  
Ezlo (E): Uh, OK, this is A for Audio, log 1. Recorded on... What's the date again?  
Twilight Sparkle (TS): 15th May.  
E: Recorded on the 15th of May in the year of Celestia 1576. This is Ezlo speaking, and if you can hear this you probably think I'm dead. An probably Twilight too.  
TS: I've linked their lives, they will cut out together.  
E: Excellent. What WAS killed was a... uh... well in human it's =Homunculus= and in Unicorn it's **homunculus**, but Earth Ponies don't have a word for it, so I'll call it a living statue for now. Technically it's illegal, but Princess C gave us permission to make one each to fill in for us while we go on a top secret mission for her. I mean, really secret. I don't think that even telling you-  
E: Oh forget it, point is, we're not dead, just a bit battered and bruised. We're making these and then we leave to-  
TS: Careful Ezlo, this should still be kept under wraps.  
E: Right, sorry. Anyway, ignoring the other stuff, we leave in about half an hour and should be back in two weeks without further issues. I hope...  
E: Ezlo ending in three, two, one-

* * *

*Click!*  
"And then it repeats if you leave it open."  
Malachi held out the locket.  
"So what secret mission were they on?"

Princess Celestia gently grasped the locket in her magic and opened the locket completely. A small blue gem rested in the middle, but it was otherwise featureless.  
"Well, I suppose you should know. I asked them to investigate a group of ruins located on the edge of the countries land, a journey that should have taken twelve days there. They were then to investigate for six days at most before returning home, at which point I would safely dispose of the homunculi, however partway back Ezlo reported that in retrospect he wished to go back and investigate a village near to the ruins over an issue, though exactly what the issue was still eludes me... I gave him permission to investigate and they went back, and have taken rather a while over it."

"And this was how long ago?" Malachi asked.

"They have been back at the village for a further five days. They don't meet many humans that far from Canterlot, so Ezlo was rather a curiosity I understand." A scroll popped out in front of Celestia as she finished speaking, "Can you hold on one second?"

Celestia went over the scroll a few times and tutted.  
"Malachi, can you come up here a second?"  
Celestia handed the scroll to Malachi, and offered him a quill.  
"Could you translate this human word into Equestrian?"

"=Theri... Therian...Ther-ee-anne-throp-ie=, I have no idea what that means, sorry."  
Malachi looked over the rest of the scroll, but there was no Earth Pony and only that in English. Mostly Unicorn, but...  
"What does it say in full?"

Celestia eased the scroll back out of Malachi's grasp and coughed, one hoof over her mouth.  
"'Princess Celestia and All Present,  
"Twilight and I have finally cracked the alphabet for the ruins – it's a pig version of Eastern Dragon. She really is a font of knowledge.  
"The rough translation runs along the lines of what I'd expected – Taking more than memories from the ruins will force you to change into... Something. Neither of us can figure out what the pictures are of.  
"Point is, there's something like it running around town causing hell and eating people. Not a werewolf, but similar. The human word for that is =Therianthropy=, but neither of us know the pony equivalent. Kind of says that something's going wrong. We're going to arm ourselves with knowledge and get ready to fight stuff for next week. Hope nothing unusual has happened.  
"Reply upon reception. Sincerely, Ezlo.  
"P.S., Twilight says to say high to Shining for her, and lots of love to her parents and Spike."

Malachi nodded.  
"Makes some sense. I suppose they could be worse off."

Celestia nodded in turn. "That is always good to know Malachi. Now, if you wouldn't mind, I have the beaurocracy to deal with."  
Malachi nodded and yawned. He'd spent most of the morning up, which, after doing his job all night, was exhausting. He saluted and began walking back to the barracks, rubbing his eyes.  
"Oh, Malachi? If something goes wrong..."  
Malachi turned around to look at Celestia, who now looked slightly worried.  
"I'm sure I can count on you to help your friend, can't I?"


	5. Film Filler

No Way Home  
Film Fillers 1

A nice short interlude for you all while I write up stuff for some other stuff.  
These sections will consist of many, many inserts, and what could happen if these stories actually happened, and if happened to involve certain humans. Coming up first? You should figure it out.

* * *

*Missing: Rainbow Dash. Last seen performing stunts around Ponyville town centre.*

"Is this the last one?"

"Yeah, then we'll end the poster parade."  
Twilight stuck a poster to the wall of the Town Hall, a sad look on her face. It was mirrored by everyone in town. Well, everyone except for the occasional oddball and Pinkie Pie, who was never sad. Rarity patted her friend on the back.

"We'll find her, don't worry dear."

"But what if she's dead? What if there's an unidentified killer running around and they're just waiting to hit someone else?"

"We'll find them, and so help the pony who's incurred my wrath."

* * *

"=Sound familiar?="  
Ezlo held up a scroll and waved it in his enemies face. Medusa snatched it and unfurled it. It was a copy of the poster, plus another shorter scroll. It had a graphic picture, along with one word. Medusa shuddered.

"=It can't be that. Not here.="

"=I hate it. The uncertainty that it'll be right. The chance she really could do that.="

"=Have you not told your stabbing puppet?="

"=Har fucking har. I don't want Mal to organise a raid only for me to turn out to be wrong. All I know is that Pinkie just hit the bottom of my priorities list.="

Medusa used her own magic to ignite the scroll with the picture on it. A few flakes still floated away, mostly blank, a few with blue feathers, and a few depicting a grotesque parody of a dress.

"=Sometimes, I worry you're right.="

* * *

"That's an odd report."

"That's what we've been getting. Darndest thing, Ezlo clams up about it if we so much as mention it. He's not even that friendly with Rainbow Dash. They just don't get along."

Malachi sat on the floor next to Shining Armour as they shifted through reports. One advantage of being an 'interdimensional immigrant' was that humans were credited with knowing some of the finer details of an individual pony's life. Malachi was a guard, so he prided himself on a pretty solid knowledge of customs and laws as well. Sorting reports just kept his mind off the letters he'd been getting from Ezlo.  
Ezlo had been getting graphic about stuff in English in them, and they all seemed familiar...

"So can YOU ask him about it?"

"Huh? Seriously?"

Shining nodded. "I'll give you permission for leave, so you can go as you will, just make sure you ask him as fast as you can. Go today, sleep overnight, then spend the next day coaxing it out of him."

Malachi shuffled the papers around a bit more, realising why Shining was probably doing the paperwork in the first place. "What makes you think he'll listen to me? Or answer me?"

"He won't speak to Twily, and I think he's been discussing with his evil-ex about what to do, so if he thinks it's anyone not-human he won't trust them. Medusa he at least has a vague relationship with, so she's kinda close, which sorta asks, will he listen to you?"

The pair worked in silence for the next few minutes, stamping and such, until Malachi finally slammed the stamp onto the desk.  
"Damnit Shining, you got me. I'll go, if only for the leave. But don't expect me to follow it up unless I think it's important."

* * *

"=The chaos has got to you. This is mad.="

Ezlo slammed down the sheet of metal he was working on and turned to Malachi, pointing a large smith's hammer at him.  
"=Fuck that, if you aren't going to accept the idea then you can get the hell out of here. I'm in the worst damn mood I've been in for weeks, Pinkie keeps trying to force me to eat a cupcake of dubious origin, and the only person who'll take the idea seriously is me. I am ready to smash something, and if you're it then that's how it is.="

Ezlo turned back to his work and slammed down the hammer. Numerous exotic swears floated out as he worked. Malachi stepped forward.  
"=I know you're worried, and I know this isn't the best time, but you've got to let the idea go. It's tearing you up!="

"=No! In the name of God Mal, listen or GTFO. I am sick of being treated as a madman for my mutation, or my mannerisms, or because I have odd ideas, even if they work. I am NOT in the mood.="

"=But-="

"=NO MAL! NOT NOW!="

Ezlo waited until he heard the door slam shut, then put down the piece of metal. He would have to re-heat it later. He was more focused on one particular issue.  
Feeling alone and worried, Ezlo collapsed onto the floor into a sobbing heap, wondering if he really was just going mad.

* * *

*To Ezlo,  
*I know you've been feeling really down recently, so I made you this! It's kind of late at night, and I know you're worried, but here you are!  
*Pinkie Pie*

"=Am I going mad?="  
Poke poke.  
"=Is this whole thing, is it just me being paranoid?="  
Poke poke.  
"=I'm not even trusting my best friends, I'm barely eating... ="  
Poke.  
"=Fuck it, down the hatch it goes.="  
Gulp!  
"=... You know what... Maybe... Huh... Shit...="  
Thud!


	6. Double Take

No Way Home  
Double Take

I was going to do a Friday the 13th special, but then it got too long for one chapter. So have a non-canon story; that is to say, non-canon for most of the other chapters.  
And text /like this/ means multiple people saying the same thing. Slight differences will be shown (in brackets/like this) between the dashes.  
Oh, and I'm going by the names I like the most! Bear in mind there is no true canon for this sort of thing, and way of the pen, I'm really really sorry.  
Anyway, storytime!

* * *

"Twilight! Twilight, wake up!"

One purple filly librarian rolled over in her bed.  
"Not now Spike, 'm sleeping."

"But it's really important!"

Weary eyed, Twilight rolled over to look at her assistant.  
"New instructions from Celestia?"

"No, bu-"

"Failed experiment by Ezlo?"

"Maybe, bu-"

"You been to see him?"

"No, but tha-"

"Go see him, then come back Spike, I'm tired."

"But Twilight! There's a colt doppel... doppelg... copy of you in a bed on the other side of the room!"

"That's preposterous Spike-"

"And he's having exactly the same conversation with a girl version of me!"

"Now tha-"  
Wide eyed, Twilight rolled over to face the other way to look at a purple unicorn colt with a purple mane with highlights exactly the same as hers. Spike jumped up onto the bed, and a purple dragoness mirrored her movements on the other bed.

"/See?/"Both dragons chanted at the same time.

No-one broke the silence for a few seconds. Then-  
"/AAAAAAAUGH!/"

* * *

Applejack rushed through town, with Applejack beside her, as they made their way to the library.  
"What if they ain't in?" The female version asked.

The boy gave her a look. "We hope."

As the pair reached the door for the library, it burst open and two young purple dragons ran out. The colt grabbed the girl dragon.  
"Spines! Where's Dusk and his filly friend?"

"You mean the other Dusk? They both ran off to look for a solution or a reason, me and, uh..."

"/Spike./" Spike and Applejack chimed at once.

"Right, Spike, were going to go to the most obvious place to look for them."

"What d'ya mean by that?" The filly Applejack asked. Spines and Spike looked at each-other.

"/Who else? THEIR house./"

* * *

"/You're both dead. We don't know why or how you did it, but you did it./"

"/We have nothing to do with it!/"

"/Liiiiiiieees!/"

Twilight Sparkle and Dusk Shine stood taking a hail of accusations and insults. Mostly wrong ones.  
"/We didn't touch the book! You specifically told us not to!/"

"/You promise?/"

"/Yes!/"

"/And no-one else touched it either?/"

"/No!/"

"Oh."  
"Ah."  
Two green anthros, one a boy, one a girl, moved to look at the pair of unicorns standing in their house.  
"/So who DID cause this?/"

Dusk Shine finally sat down, his own counterpart mirroring him.  
"We'd hoped you knew."

The boy began fidgeting uncontrollably. "Oh, this is bad, This is really bad."

"Maybe we could ask Morgana or Malachi or the Princesses if they know when it happened. That would help." The girl suggested.

"No, no, this would have been as the shifts changed, and the groups would have been on opposite sides of the castle if our room is anything to go by." The boy sighed. "Perhaps we could have a look at the book now. And you two. I think it would be OK. /It's not like we averted what we wanted to./" The pair finished off.

Twilight opened her mouth to speak before being interrupted by shouts from outside.  
"/Twilight! Dusk Shine! Are you two there?/"

"/We're here./"

The siblings Applejack burst in with the two dragons on their backs, panting like crazy. The farmponies flopped down on the floor.

"Need a drink..."

"Cold, refreshing apple juice..."

"Sweet, delicious refreshments..."

"Please... Now!"

Ezlo snorted. "You think they want drinks?"

"Waaay ahead of you." Ezlo's effeminate half appeared in front of the earth ponies holding out a drink. "Cheers."

Dusk looked around the room. "Uh, shouldn't we do this formally?"

"Right! Etiquette and formalities first!" The female anthro exclaimed. Ezlo sat down and began muttering to himself as she continued talking.  
"Well then, first we have the siblings Applejack down there, who are the same pony."

"/Howdy./"

"Then there's Spines and Spike, the female and males dragons respectively."

"/Hey./"

"The two unicorns are Twilight Sparkle and Dusk Shine, with Twilight being the girl and Dusk being the boy."

"/Uh, hi./"

"And I am Midna while the boy up there is Ezlo. We can explain that later."

"They both mean the same thing."  
Midna looked up at Ezlo.

"...Uh... Oops?"

Dusk Shine looked at the pair. "Ok, now I'm confused."

"IRRELEVANT!"  
Ezlo jumped down and grabbed two bags, chucking one to the side.  
"What is not irrelevant is that we need to send two letters. Right now."

"/(Spines/Spike), take a note for us./"

* * *

"=I'm confused...="

"=Me too...="

"/(Malachi/Morgana)! You should be fighting!/"

"/Yes Captain./"  
The two humans looked at each-other.

"=Are you going to fight?="

"=Nope. You?="

"=Nuh-uh.="  
The girl looked around.  
"=So, why don't we go find Solaris?="

"=Who?="

"=The Prince? The Princess?="

"=Oh, Celestia!="

"=...Right. come on, let's go!="

Ducking under a bolt from their captains, the pair ran. Their chest plates rattled where they hadn't fastened them properly, and underneath a set of light, comfortable clothes revealed that they'd probably been hastily woken up. They both had bags under their eyes.

"=So... This happen often to you?=" The boy, Malachi, gasped.

"=Can't say so.=" Morgana, the girl, replied. "=Last major invasion was the wedding, and I wasn't here for that.="

"=A wedding? What kind of wedding?="

"=Really fancy, the princes nephew was getting married to Gleaming Shield, that's my captain, and it turned out the prince had been replaced by the Changeling King.="

"=That sounds kind of familiar to me.="

"=It does?="

"=Yeah, except- Oh, wait a second.= GUARDS! OPEN THE DOORS!"

One pair of the fighting guards stopped for long enough to open the doors, only for the OTHER pair to wrench the doors from their magical grasp.  
"/That's my job!/"

"/Oh no it isn't!/"

"/You wanna fight over it?/"

"/Bring it missy!/"  
The four ponies started brawling again. Malachi moved the doors around so that Morgana could get through.

"=Ladies first!="

"=Oh! Thank you!="

Morgana walked in, expecting to fight the room mostly destroyed. It wasn't.  
"Prince Artemis? Prince Solaris?"  
"Princess Celestia? Princess Luna?"

"/Ah! You both made it!/"

Sitting on the thrones were the Princesses. Standing next to them were the Princes.  
And if you paired them up right, they were ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME.  
Morgana and Malachi both looked at the group with confusion.  
"/Pri... Your Hi... Can we sit down?/"

"/Be our guest./"

"/Oh thank god./"  
The humans slumped down on the floor in sync.  
"/With the greatest respect (Prince/Princess), what the hell is going on?/"

* * *

"/Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?/"

"/WILL YOU TWO STOP THAT?/"  
Ezlo and Midna sat back smugly. Dusk and Twilight groaned.

"It's not like your letters made any sense. Why did you even do that?"

A coin was tossed. Midna paused to think for a few seconds.  
"To show the Princes and Princesses they didn't need to fight."

"/Go on./"

"Well, if we said nothing to them, they might have started fighting." Ezlo continued, "And that would have ended in a civil war. It was a pre-emptive strike."

"Against what?" Spines asked, Spike enjoying something to eat.

Midna tapped her fingers against the side of the chariot. "The siblings chaotic."

"/DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM!/"  
The chariot braked in mid-air as the four guards desperately looked around at the two passengers on the edge. Ezlo shrugged.

"Don't like, don't ask. And you asked."

"We didn't know that would be the answer!" Dusk Shine yelled.

Midna reached back and patted him on the head. "We won't call them by name, and it was the best way to explain it. Can we keep moving?"

The chariot took off again, the offending anthros shuffling back onto the chariot. Spike and Spines started panicking.

"/Wait, you mean-/"

"/Yes there are two of everyone with EXACTLY the same mindset, including them./" Minda and Ezlo sighed and rested an arm on the side of the chariot.

Dusk Shine nudged Twilight. "Do you have a pink filly friend with untameable hair and an unstoppable rage for parties?"

"Yes, why?"

"Because I have a friend who is a colt but otherwise EXACTLY the same."

Ezlo and Midna suddenly looked at each other in horror."/WE FORGOT TO SEPARATE BUBBLE BERRY AND PINKIE PIE!/"

* * *

"/-And streamers and balloons and cakes and punch and all sorts of games and EVERYPONY NEEDS TO BE THERE! IT'S GONNA BE SOOOOOO AMAZING!/"

"Oh dear sweet Celestia please save us all."

"/But you need to be there too Applejack! Oh, and Applejack. You both have the same name! Wow! That's really funny! But I think only you two have that. Hey! Our speech sections look weird!/"

Dashes at the beginning and end of each section is not weird!

"/Is too./"

Is no-  
Look, I'm not having this argument with a character in a story. Focus you two.

"/Oki Doki Loki!/"

"Oh dear Solaris they're both doing it."

"/Both doing what?/"

Applejack, Applejack, and most of Ponyvilles VERY confused community had taken shelter in their houses. No-one had thought it would work. It wasn't.  
Bubble Berry and Pinkie Pie had both begun planning. A party. Together. Ponies were praying to anything and everything to make them stop it, but so far it hadn't worked. And no-one know how big a party meeting your alternate self would go, since as far as they knew it had never happened.

"/Oh no!/"

"/Oh no what?/"

"/We totally forgot! We were supposed to be preparing for another party today! Gotta go!/"

The pair vanished in a puff of pink smoke. The town breathed a sigh of relief. The apocalypse had been avoided for another day.

* * *

"Do you think everyone's OK?"

"I'm sure someone will come up with something. Let's just hope the town survives long enough for us to get to the Princess."

Ezlo and MIdna sniggered. "/=I'm sorry, but your Princess is in another castle.=/"

"/What?/"

"Nothing!"

The group were silent for a few minutes, until Ezlo looked up.  
"=Misquote.="

"=What?="

"=I think we mis-quoted. It's 'Thank you Mario, but-'="

"/WILL YOU TWO PLEASE FOCUS!/"

* * *

"/We finally turned up!/"  
"/(Prince Solaris/Princess Celestia)! We came as fast as we could!/"

"/Ah, our faithful students. Please, come and sit with the rest of us./"

A group of about ten people was at the table. Ezlo and Midna sat down next to Malachi and Morgana and introduced each-other, as Twilight and Dusk moved to sit next to their siblings. Hugs were exchanged.

"Now that everypony is here-"  
"-We can begin."

Celestia and Solaris stood up at the head of a grand table. Solaris was slightly larger than Celestia, and seemed slightly more fierce, but somehow was no more imposing. Solaris spoke first.

"By now, everyone knows that the ponies running around are in fact their own doubles."

"/Gender swapped doubles./" Ezlo and Midna automatically corrected.

"My apologies, GENDER SWAPPED doubles. This brings forward two issues."

"The first," Celestia continued, "Is that of space. But, as most of us can verify, the space seems to have been doubled."  
All the humans present glanced at Luna and Artemis, both oblivious to the looks.  
"The other is about food."

"=Damnit, now I'm hungry.=" Ezlo muttered. "But have we even checked the amount of food in the fields and things?"

"There is the chance that there is twice as much food, but we don't know if there is, and we were hoping to have preparations started for any possibility of rationing."

"Princess... We've just come up with another issue."  
Shining Armour and Gleaming Shield both looked up, having been talking for a few minutes quietly.

"Go on."

"Some prisoners have been forced into solitary cells. The really bad ones. Has anyone checked that those cells STILL only contain one person?"

Malachi facepalmed.  
"=Shiiiiiii-="


	7. A Dangerous Suggestion

No Way Home  
A Dangerous Suggestion

* * *

Equestria 'Double Team'

Dealing with some of the issues had taken a while. The rooms at the library were being used for the excess women, so Ezlo and Dusk found themselves trudging along to a set of spare rooms only the princesses had ever heard of. And the night guard hadn't had a chance to rest.  
"=I'm dreaming.="  
Something had clicked for Malachi on the way to the barracks, which he had wanted to discuss with the pair, but now...

"Was Morgana like this when she first turned up?"

"Uhuh."

"I am definitely dreaming."

"Great. He'll end up like this for hours. I'm sure of it."

"You don't know that."

"=Oh god I have to be dreaming, there's no other explanation.="

"=Mal? Shut up.="

"=No, Ezlo, you don't understand. This is terrible.="

Dusk sighed. "Can you both speak in Earth Pony? Please?"

Ezlo looked down at the unicorn and nodded. "There's something up with this and Malachi can feel it."

"I don't know the words for it..." Malachi sighed.

Ezlo sighed in turn and scratched the back of his head "You OK for Unicorn?"

"I can stand it for five minutes..."

Ezlo turned to Dusk "**He's worried that we're going to find an evil version of himself." **He repeated it to Malachi in English. "=That it?="

"=On the dot.="

Dusk stopped in his tracks "I don't get it."

"Well, you just have to live with it," Ezlo sighed, "I don't think it'll impact us thought."

"/How can you say that!/" Both of the others exclaimed. Dusk ran to catch up with the humans in front.

"I just have a feeling that we have our issue and someone else will deal with that one. Call it Genre Awareness."

The three continued in silence down to their rooms. Ezlo carefully opened the door and shone a bright light inside to search for anything interesting.  
"=Woo! Relic fest=!"

"Wait!"  
Ezlo looked back at Dusk Shine.  
"Are you saying we're in a book!?"

* * *

Equestria Deus

"COME ON! JUST A LITTLE MORE!"

It crackled. The air around it was thick. Twilight felt sick being this near to it.  
Ezlo said it was a portal to the nether. Twilight wasn't sure where it went to, and that made it all the worse.  
And now something was trying to force it wider open.

Ezlo had been personally keeping an eye on it. As such, sealing spells had been on it from the hour it had turned up, and a stash of weapons were nearby.

Though the anthro had kept throwing bad news into the mix. Theories and the like. Which was why so many guards were there now giving their support.

Malachi watched with his sword drawn, ready to attack. He generally trusted Ezlo's judgement about these things, and in this case he hadn't needed the anthro's sense of judgement to figure out that this kind of tear was bad news. And Malachi still remembered the rules of stories. If it looked like bad news, it was.

Ezlo nudged Malachi in the side, making the guard twitch.  
"Cover me."

"Cover you how?"

"Cover me how you'd cover a unicorn. Make sure nothing hits me."  
Malachi nodded. Both humans watched the drama around the mages continued.

It had been doomed to failure. One of the mages opposite the entrance suddenly screamed and dropped to his knees.  
And that was all it took.  
Several mages threw up shields, and those that didn't dropped to their knees in turn. Ezlo grabbed onto Malachi's chest plate and hid himself from the blast, shielded by runes he'd scribed on in a moment of paranoia some time ago. As the afterspell drained away, Ezlo threw something into the void. An earth-shattering explosion came out of the side facing the pair, followed by something chucked full force towards their position. Malachi pushed Ezlo down onto the ground and threw himself on top, nearly crushing the much smaller boy but shielding him from a fireball blast. Getting up and entering the ready position, he felt a wash of cold hit him as foreign magic covered his body. Ezlo stepped backwards to hide in the treeline, while Malachi...  
Just wasn't any more.

The guards copied Ezlo and stepped back, pulling their prone colleagues after them. The portal exploded out once, causing a few strange disturbances in the area. It exploded again, throwing a handful of ponies and humans to be chucked through.  
The Elements of Harmony, Ezlo, Celestia (Sort of), and a group of royal guards.

Ezlo winked into existence behind his double, grabbed him by the back of the throat, and vanished again. The Portal Celestia looked around at the disturbance and found her Ezlo missing. Snarling, her mane, a wreath of fire around her head, blew out.  
And she torched the clearing.  
A shield was thrown up by the guard, only to be taken down by the portal Twilight as she noticed it. Twilight (Our one) sent a distorter spell at the invading copy, who blinked and collapsed, unused to spells as powerful as her own. The other not-Elements spread out, the Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash taking to the air, being intercepted by our ones. Malachi was for a second, along with his own copy, who no-one had seen come in, only for both of them to launch back into what seemed to be a deadly swordfight.  
A manticore suddenly bounded into the area and started attacking the copies, putting out parts of the fire with its sheer bulk. The spellcasting guards launched wind and water spells into the enemies, dousing the flames and stunning them for a few vital seconds. Chunks of ice formed in mid-air, met by copies and clones all across the area. In little over five minutes, the clearing was a wrecked.

And then Ezlo and his copy winked back in, with Ezlo kicking his copy back through the portal, which imploded, yet still remained. He winked back to kick the portal Twilight in the side of the head, then vanished. The portal Twilight cursed, attracted the attention of her Celestia, and sprinted back to the portal. The rest of the group ran back, dragging dead and injured with them.

And it was over.

Malachi became about five meters from the portal, panting heavily, with dents and scratches all over his body. Ezlo dropped down from a tree, gasping for breath. Twilight was panting, and everyone had some form of injury. Ezlo grimaced.

"=God that was hard.="  
And he fell unconscious from the magic drain.

Malachi rushed forward to help the anthro, and pulled him over his shoulders.  
"Everyone who isn't dousing the flames get to the temp guard station! We are getting medics on this job as fast as we can!"

Everyone ran forward to help as much as they could. The small guard force began to clear the area with practiced ease, leaving the civilians to get to relative safety. Not one pony left the area without the feeling that this was barely the start of something that would mark the land to its core.

* * *

Equestria Prime

"=Malachi?="

"=Yeah Ezlo?="

"=...Do you feel like we're missing anything special?="

"=Well, you thought of trying this.="  
Ezlo cast his fishing line out into the lake, nodding at his friend.

"=True.="

"=...="

"=...So...="

"=Caught anything yet?="

* * *

I will now name which world this stuff happens in. If you haven't figured out why, you're a moron. It makes it a bit easier to switch between storylines.


	8. An Extraordinary Thing

No Way Home  
An Extraordinary Thing

This section has Malachi as the main human. This is canon for Equestria Prime, and might get slightly dark later into it. It also uses part Carnifex (From Tumblr), part way of the pen, part Joshabi aspects of Equestria. You'll see what I mean.  
Anyway, I have a tale to tell. Sticking to this one for a bit too...

* * *

"Hast thou heard of Albion, Malachi?"

"I can't say I have, Princess."

"I thought not. It is truly an old country. My sister keeps in contact with the countries own royalty, and she has given me a bequest."

"Which is..?"

"To go visit her as a family friend."

"I see. And... Why am I coming?"

"I cannot go without a guard escort, Malachi. And thou art someone I trust greatly, along with the Captain and his deputy."

"I'm... Honoured, Princess.  
"Uh, did Celestia-"

"No, my sister did not, 'Put me up to it', as thou would say. I chose myself"

"All right then."

Malachi and Luna rode across the early night sky in the chariot, drawn by the captain and deputy captain of the Royal Night Guard. The three guards wore full ceremonial armour – extremely heavy for the poor flyers – and had their bags with any other essentials slung over their backs. Princess Luna had a few bags on the floor of the chariot, and was looking through a book as they rushed to the main port of Equestria. Malachi amused himself by counting stars, lying down with his head on his bag and his feet just sticking over the edge.

"This book claims that their fair country was invaded four times before their royalty allowed magic as a commonplace profession."

"I believe that is correct, your majesty."  
The deputy kept pace, even though she was talking at the same time as she flew.  
"The population has such a large percentage of spliced species that a pure boar, pony, or whatever else, can actually trace their ancestry back over a thousand years with ease."

"How did they end up with mixed genetics?" Malachi asked, pinning down Orion and tracing it.

"I believe it's something to do with the land. The weather can be controlled manually or be left to itself, so it's probably linked to that," The deputy replied, "But it's never been traced."

Her name was Sharpspear. Aside from being the future Captain when Stonehoof died, she had enough skill with her namesake to be in charge of teaching anyone who took an interest in the weapon. And thrash every single one of them.  
At once.

"Sounds like the sort of thing Ezlo would enjoy looking into."

"Except..."

"Right. He's already looking at something."  
Malachi sighed and stood up, looking over the chariot to the town below. A few glowing lights were the only mark of life, mirroring the sky above with a beautiful glow. A shout from nearby caught the two pullers attentions.

"Attention chariot! Please lard for border checks immediately! You are about to leave Equestria for another country!"

"You have thy passports?"

"I damn well hope I do." Stone hoof muttered, making Malachi snigger. Some things were always the same, no matter where you were.

* * *

"Wielcome tah Londinium, Captial a Albion! It's a pleisure ta meet ya Princess."  
The Prime Minister of Albion was a huge boar with stubby tusks and a bristly blue mane. He bowed down in front of the Princess, an action various other members of the welcome committee had already undertaken.

Luna lowered her head "It is indeed a pleasure. However, we understood that the Queen of your land would be meeting us and our party in person. Where is she?"

"Ach, she's gone and ha' emergency coort called. 'Tis a wee bit off, but when yoor dealin' wit' changelings here..."

"CHANGELINGS!?"  
Malachi stepped back, suddenly snapping to alert and looking around.

"Ach, there's noo nied ta worry lahk that, weiv dealt wit' them before, and they canne become nawt else but ponies. Yoo'll be fine."

Stonehoof looked at Malachi with concern "You OK?"

"Yeah, I guess the idea of changelings unsettles me."

"Like how you're paranoid about your true name?"

"Hey, there is such a thing as name magic. I've seen it."

"Eh-hem."  
The pair turned to the Prime Minister.  
"Aye can assure yoo lad, they won't cause any harm. Theire's a sizable changeling population who willnae touch stolen love fur their laevs, so dinnae freak oot, If ye could try."

"Right, sorry." Malachi sighed.

"Ach, but wheire are mah manners? Mai name's Mixed Agenda, a wee bit unfortunate, but still appropriate. Might aye know yoor names?"

"Of course" Stonehoof spoke up, taking charge for a few seconds, "I am Stonehoof, captain of the Royal Night Guard of Equestria. This is my deputy, Sharpspear, and the human is a Segeant who goes by the name of Malachi. He's close friends wih the Princess, hence him being here."

"Ah pleasure, ahm sure." Mixed Agenda nodded, gesturing towards a grand door. "Oor Quin is called Graceful Stride, and if yool follow me we can go and meet her noo."

* * *

"Her majesty, Princess Luna of Equestria!"

Malachi stood to the side as Luna walked in, radiating an unusual aura that he'd never been able to pin down, but made people turn. Celestia did it too occasionally.  
The courtroom of Albion was round, with a raised throne in the middle and seats around the edge in raised sections. It reminded him of the Equestrian parliament, apart from the throne.  
The Parliament was packed in the lower sections, and the higher ones were slowly filling too. Everyone had gone silent, and was standing with their heads bowed to respect the royalty. Except the queen.  
The queen of Albion was a tall doe with a chestnut coloured coat. There were some cream spots, but her flank, Malachi noted, was bare. A sign of no pony blood, he guessed. Graceful Stride stood up as Luna reached the bottom of the raised platform and walked down, flowing down the steps rather than stuttering the way most ponies did. She bowed her head as she reached Luna, who did the same. Even though they were at the same level, Malachi realised that the deer was slightly taller than him, which only Celestia could claim back home. Graceful Stride raised her head.

"It is a great pleasure to meet you, Princess. I trust Equestria is still well?"

Luna raised her head in turn "As healthy as it has ever been, despite the mess we have been in for the past few months. Albion has had few problems itself, I take it?"

"Aside from this recent turmoil, yes" Graceful Stride muttered "I have had nowhere near enough experience for a problem this serious."

"I heard. Changelings are... Still a problem? Even in Albion?"

"Even our land has its issues. Especially where that particular problem comes up" The doe sighed, "But you did not come here to learn of that. Perhaps we could retire for the day and discuss more pleasant matters. Does anyone in the court object to the suspending of further discussion for any other measures to deal with the changeling threat?"

"Yeah!"  
Graceful Stride sighed and looked around.

"Anyone other than Gilda?"

"Gilda?" Malachi muttered, looking around for the source of the voice. Before he could act on it Graceful stride banged her hoof.

"Then court is suspended for the day. All shall return by midday tomorrow for the continuation of the court."

* * *

"Are you lot gambling on duty?"

"Not for money, but yes. We often use it as a more exciting way of drawing lots."

"Huh" Malachi looked around. "Can I join in?"

"Hey, be my guest."  
Malachi sat down with the group of guards. They looked extremely off, an earth pony with tusks and no tail, a sow with feathers over her front half, and a pegasus with antlers. He'd been talking with the earth pony.

"So, how does the game work?"

"You name a target on the dice and everyone else rolls. If anyone meets it then you give them something you decide on in advance."

"Like, roll four, get my time off?"

"Aye, or you can do it the other way, which is roll less than or more than... three say, and if anyone doesn't make it they get your job. Or your punishment." The sow added.

"Seriously?"

"Aye, like for gambling for money!" She cackled. The Pegasus rolled his eyes.

"Ignore her. You fancy a go for something worthless?"

"Well, I don't know if it's worthless, but how about information? About Albion?" Malachi put forward. The three guards looked at each other and nodded.

"Sounds like a good idea. I'll go first, two plus."

The sow got a one.  
"Ach, damn. Albion has the widest variety of species over any other country because of the sheer number of invasions it's been through. Threes."

Malachi got a three. The Earth pony looked up at the ceiling.  
"Uhh, despite its wide variety of species, you will find no dragons that have not emigrated because of the nationwide Dragonhunt one-hundred and fifty years ago which either killed them or forced them to flee."  
He looked at the Pegasus.

"The percentage of pure-breed indigenous creatures is five, excluding the nobility."

Malachi gaped. "No dragons?"

The Pegasus nodded "The old king was paranoid. Your turn."

"Fives or sixes then."

Everyone got it. The earth pony tapped his chin.  
"Three minus."

Malachi was left with a four. "I don't know anything about Albion."

"Then tell us about where you're from."

"Uh... The country I'm from is called =Canada= in my language."

"Now that's a weird name." The sow commented, "Four plus."

The earth pony. "The royalty has never actually lost its place on the throne, not even during invasions."

The game continued. A fifty percent boar population. Only one-hundred good changelings in the entire country. A forest which no-one has come out of. The werewolf. A great dragon who first cleared the land for the people to live, only to force them into giving him sacrifices to feed him, and who was then killed by the first king. The supposed changeling hive in-

"Malachi, thank the moon I found you."  
Malachi looked over his shoulder to see Sharpspear.  
"Luna and Graceful Stride would like to see you. Try to...  
"Are you gambling?"

"Not for anything of worth. Maybe see you lot later?"

"Aye, see ya lad!"  
"Bye Malachi."  
"Goodbye."

Malachi began walking briskly down the corridor, sorting out his armour. Sharpspear flew ahead and began leading the way.  
"Did you win anything good?"

"I found some stuff out. Local legends, laws, the rules of a neat little game."

"Was that what you were doing?"

"Apparently the higher ups won't crack down on it because it's such a good way to keep things interesting. You can even try and trick others into doing your punishments."

"And it's accepted?"

"Apparently. Tough justice I guess."

"Huh. Anyway, when you talk to the Queen, try not to talk about her dad. They didn't get on well, I hear."

"How old was he when he died?"

"The average age of one-hundred and forty three. For a deer."  
Malachi stopped.

"How can anyone live that long?"

"Well boars are beyond work at sixty, so it's some kind of life balance, but get moving! We're gonna annoy the queen if we're too slow, and I got lost before!"


End file.
